And now that we have that out of the way, Hogwarts is a progressive school that encourages co-education. The DURMSTRANG boys make a lot of HUFFING NOISES and RUIN THE TILE by pounding their STAVES. Give us a demonstration of their colorguard-slash-breakdance team.Īnd I thought “Durmstrang” was from the German “strum und drang.”Įither way, what the hell kind of map is Dumbledore using? Wasn’t that lovely? And now, our manly neighbors from the north at Durmstrang will First up, we have the ladies from Beauxbatons with their interpretiveĭance entitled, “I flit about like a butterfly on a sun dappled meadow.”Ī bunch of MARY SUES enter, and entrance everyone with their AIRLINE STEWARDESS UNIFORMS. Filch has informed me that our guests are ready to entertain us with theirĭance Spectacular. Well, I’m glad everyone has made it safely to the school without incident for once.įILCH enters, doing the “OMG WHERE’S THE LOO?” DANCE. What, Hagrid nearly getting himself killed? I thought that was pretty standard. Well, there’s something you don’t see every day HAGRID directs a FLYING HORSE COACH to the HOGWARTS LANDING STRIP, nearly causing it to HIT HIMSELF. I’ll send him a letter asking for a cameo. I love him very much and would be quite put out should anythingĮver happen to him. If you’re quite done, Harry, I think I should bring up Sirius so you don’t forget about It’s not like I’ll be attending that class this year. Great, we’re already hearing news of Death Eaters. How should I know? I don’t know every wizard in the world!ĬROUCH and MINISTRY OFFICIALS leave a POOF of frustration. Has caused me to freak out and act in a way totally not befitting a leader under pressure? Which one of you children did it? Which one of you is a Death Eater? Which one of you HARRY and FRIENDS are menaced by MINISTRY OFFICIALS who apparently don’t look before FIRING OFF RANDOMLY. Hermione, are you back to not saying Voldemort’s name again? What’s with the random sky-written snake? Harry, thank goodness we found you long after the danger had passed. HARRY wakes up later and is menaced by someone in a SHINY BLACK COAT OF EVIL who calls up a SNAKE/SKULL OTP MASCOT OF EVIL. HARRY immediately gets lost and knocked unconscious, but remains UNTRAMPLED due to his amazing magical power of BEING THE PROTAGONIST. Others, fleeing some unseen terror! We have to get in on that! Oh, shut up or I won’t put you in the wedding party!Ĭ’mon, there’s mass panic outside! People are running blindly about, trampling The TWINS and HARRY mock RON about his upcoming WEDDING to KRUM. That stuff that the Audience didn’t see was so awesome. WEASLEY’S MAGIC TENT THAT SURPRISES HARRY FOR SOME REASON But mostly just SILENT.Īll right, now it is time for the Quidditch World Cup to BEGIN! Well, first direct your attention to our Jumbotron for one of the futureĪUDIENCE sees VIKTOR KRUM, who is SILENTLY MANLY and all that SHIT. Can we leave now? He’s molesting me with his cane again. Potter, you should know better by now than to call attention to yourself.Įw. No, Draco! No actual mocking! Your mere presence should be enough! Let my son and me just show up to remind you of how We’re literally at the top of the Millennium Dome. Movieverse, so let’s find our seats for the World Cup. We need to imply that Quidditch still exists in the PORTKEY offers further PROOF that wizarding transportation SUCKS. So, what’s going on? Can I get some exposition for whyĬ’mon kids, let’s take this Portkey to the Ren Faire. I got some new facial expressions just for this movie. ![]() WEASLEY leads the WEASLEYS AND FRIENDS around in CIRCLES. I’m bossy, not bitchy! I’m asserting myself. Just died, but I don’t have to deal with the Dursleys. Wha? Hey, I’m already with the Weasley’s? Best opening ever! Sure, someone Well, this just took a turn for the incredibly wrong. ![]() No one must see me like this! I’m not wearing makeup! THE NAGINI HOME ALARM SYSTEM alerts BABY VOLDEMORT to FRANK. My Lord, I’m just here to suck the suspense out of the movie. ![]() WHAT? No convoluted plot! They are what made me a Dark Lord! My Lord, wouldn’t it just be better not to have a convoluted plot this year? Fascinating.įRANK hears things and investigates GIANT SCARY HOUSE. ![]() HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE: BREADBOX EDITION Thanks to the Editing Room for inspiration, and to Marty for inspiring me with talk of Snape/Queen Susan the Gracious Hostess ballroom dancing.) Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is a mobile RPG set in the Harry Potter universe developed by Jam City and published by Portkey Games.(Author’s Note: This series continues to not be mine, for which we should all be grateful.
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